The sun goes down and I fell in love.

2009-05-23T01:18:00.001+08:00

GOODBYE.

2009-03-08T13:37:00.001+08:00

And you're still there, despite all my flaws and imperfections.

Commitments commitments commitments.....

2009-02-28T10:18:00.001+08:00

Half-glad that the weekends are here. I am so exhausted...........sigh.

Exit.

It's been good.

2009-02-15T19:13:00.002+08:00

I feel so contented with life now. (= Hmmm.........

Exit.

Feeling mellow....

2009-02-11T12:20:00.007+08:00

The lack of sleep has finally taken it's toll on me. Urghh am very disappointed with myself for not going to sch today! I've been pushing myself too hard am probably at the point where I've stretched myself too thin. Breathe Nadh, breathe. Sigh I get paranoid so easily these days. Wish I wasn't sick today cs it sucks to be home alone. The sound of me typing away on the keyboard is the only thing which breaks the silence here. You know I wouldn't mind if there is an imaginary creature living in my cupboard or under my bed whatsoever at least there's still someone to talk to.....
Hahahh geez that's so weird.

Just to side-track a bit...

2006 Crescent's Prom Night and that's WATI YO!! Thot this would be interesting so I posted it up here. The only time in my life I see Wati in a dress plus 1-inch thick make-up. Okay die she's gonna kill me now. (I look so tall right right right!! hahaha 5-inch heels baby 5-inch)

These people make so much difference to school. They're the reason why I am able to face the world everyday feeling all fine and bouncy despite problems at home and all that shit. I'm really glad that Wati's in my class too! You guys, are amazing. I love you all, every one of you.

Exit.

"Like an apple hanging on a tree, I picked the ripest one and I still got thirsty."

2009-02-10T20:39:00.006+08:00

My recent posts have sounded rather mundane, so I've been told. (And I cbb about pictures either.) But what can I say? Life has just been quite...uneventful. Except for the shopping trip with Fyda the past Saturday (which was absolutely a great sort-of closure to the week, needless to say!!! :D Love you my bitchy bitch. Muahmuahmuahhh) am pretty much occupied with school and tutoring. School's just plain crazy these days I wonder how's it like as we near the 'intense' period. I mean I can barely survive right now. There's just too many things to do.....It's tough. But I'll find the strength to get through this somehow. Go past it, Nadh go past it. That's the mantra.
-
Sometimes when you try too hard to cover your weakness it just gets more obvious. If there's one thing that I am ever so familiar with, that's to live in this pretentious world thinking that I am fine when in fact only God knows what's truly going on in my head. Thank you Danial for reminding me that this is all worth fighting for, that despite all the shit that I have to go through for Yazid there'll always be that something special about him which makes me want to pull through even though I am not able to articulate it in words, even though it's all a blur right now, even though I am disoriented, confused and overwhelmed.

It sucks when you just run into my life whenever it's convenient. Yes it's the whole "where is this going" issue all over again. I'd do anything to not be here. WHY? Because I am only human, and there's only so much that this humble heart could take. But I'd rather love and grow stronger through thick and thin with you than to love and only make blissful memories with you. It's true that Yazid has made me go through the worst in my life but it's also true that noone else has made me felt so... complete. Because if I hadn't been through the worst and the best then I wouldn't be able to say that, can I?(= And hence I am thankful for that. But it's just that it really hasn't been easy lately....The more I think, the more I question and the less I make sense. I think too much, I know. I'm the sort of person who can't function without knowing the clear direction ahead. Right now, I just feel so lost.

If everything is always a bliss, it can't be life can it?
I need faith.

Exit.

But you're not a man, you're just a Mannequin.

2009-02-05T21:32:00.003+08:00

Hello world I know I said I wouldn't be blogging but then again seems like I can't resist myself from my daily dosage of Internet and hence, landed myself here. Since I ended very early today went off to tutor at Bukit Batok. Managed to go home first to catch up on some sleep, online shopped and out again. The bus ride home from Bt Batok was very empty at one time there was only me and one aunty. Too bad I didn't bring any notes along could have studied a teeny weeny bit. So most of the time I was stoning, thinking, Katy Perry-ing, staring out into space...counting air molecules....I think everybody's so fake these days you just can't tell who's real or who's mannequin anymore. I admit I am guilty of judging others based on the first 20-seconds impression. I am somewhat superficial that way because appearances do matter to me. When I see girls acting like their Barbies I wonder if deep down they're truly that way, or whether they're just acting that way because everybody expects them to- in other words, societal pressure yadaa yadaa. Such people sicken me most to the core and how I wish sometimes I could break free from living in such a superficial world and just be who I am. I don't deny I am very different from what I am in school. School makes me behave in a way that I don't feel like myself. It's like I'm forced to blennnddddd and "camouflage" with how the cliched crowd behaves and you have no idea how much it is draining me because this isn't my comfort zone. So in a way, I guess that makes me plastic too? Hahhhs I don't know man. I don't know why I'm saying these things either. Maybe I'm just really, really tired- physically and emotionally.

Information overload, situation lost control.

2009-02-03T19:04:00.003+08:00

The recent global events have done a lot of thinking on my part....I won't be blogging for a while and if there really is a need to I'd just stick with the conventional pen and paper. (: So long...

I'm barely breathing.

Exit.

2009-02-01T16:21:00.004+08:00

Quite unbelievable but I actually stayed home this weekend. 2 am on a Friday night/Saturday morning? I literally curled up at the back of a cab. I don't know what I felt or how to put it in words but it was all so confusing. It's like I wanted to cry but I know I shouldn't and there was a part of me which felt too numbed to feel. All I know was I felt a sudden void within me when he left for Taiwan and I needed a friend but at the same time I was too emotionally drained for company. I know I'll find the strength to get through this somehow and it's all temporary but that sudden void has kept a whirlwind of thoughts racing in my mind. Listening to Amy Winehouse on repeat mode keeps me going. When I reached home it's like noone even knew I had been at the airport cs they were all sleeping. Caught a few hours of sleep before waking up early again to tutor and they were all. still. sleeping. Haha. I feel so insignficant like a ghost sometimes. It's like I'm there but not there. And staying at home this weekend like today has opened up my eyes to a lot of things actually. 8 am on a Sunday morning and I heard people screaming. I thought it was that usual 6th floor drunkard who beats up his wife but then it got louder and louder and when I came to my senses it turned out to be...my parents. They were literally barking at one another and I just didn't know what to do.....Everybody is so unhappy today. My dad's a total jerk. . On a lighter note, I got my tutoring fees yayyy :D but I don't know what to do with the money though!! D:

Mugggerzzzzzzz for life. (Hahh yeah right)

2009-01-29T23:19:00.004+08:00

Nothing to update today geeeez I'm sick of MSAs. Sch is same old same old. China Studies MSA tmr I am veh worried. I think I take things too seriously. Like just the thought of BT1 can make me panic and go all haywirey omg omg sth's wrong with me. I think sitting for the LUEs scared me too much alr to this extent. Nadh needs to "un-mugger" herself.

2009-01-25T00:31:00.003+08:00

Damn the multitude of assignments. I'm totally feeling the holiday mood right now. I realise I have a favourite day and it's Saturday! (: Saturday is Meet-Yazid-Day! (: hahahaha okay shut up Cess (I'll just assume that you actually still read my blog considering the fact that I hardly update) this is yet another statement that you'll commit to memory and use it against me one day right right righttttttt. Tskkkk! I sad ): Okays shoots I'm digressing. Was out tutoring this morning and met Y after that. We checked out the mall at Kallang (KLP) and the place turned out pretty boring actually. Went on a shopping trip at Suntec City to get Yazid's things and he burned about 700 bucks in 2 hours and it is shit scary. Sth very funny happened at WhatHeWants today.

Nadh: Ehk you need to get a lip balm (for Taiwan trip) right? Go here lahh...
Y: *inserts damn noob face* Okayyy!
Y to Salesgirl: I'm looking for a lip balm...
Salesgirl: Ohh try this! *inserts colgate smile!* It's non-shiny and has a minty effect! *passes a sample to Y*

Y takes it, puts a huge portion on his lips and.....
instantly sticks out tongue and licks it all up. -___-"

Y: OHMYGOD! the minty formula is really very strong aye!!?? I really don't like it!!! *whines out loud*

I turned to the salesgirl and we both had the same reaction. 0_o. HAHAHAHA. Who knows secretly in the hidden corners of her mind she must have thought..."Duhhhhh how dumb can you get of course it is lahhh you swallowed it all up"

N: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO SMEAAAR IT ON YOUR LIPS NOT EAT IT UP!!!

rofl. rofl. Dear, I really can't help feeling that sometimes you are the more 'dumb blonde' one. Hahahah. But that's fine by me! Okays so after shopping we had dinner at BK and headed home cs my legs were killing me.
-

I was sad when I got home. Okay maybe sad's not the word. More like, grudge and anger. Sometimes I wish that I could be more transparent to the people around me. This is what I said to my dad a few hours ago: "I don't care at all about a single thing you say about me and you can nag all you want and it really doesn't do anything when you don't even know me." It sounds like a line I know bt it really isn't. I meant it like every word of it is coming from within. I know my moral compass is totally telling me that I've said sth to hurt him but do I feel guilty towards my defiance? Not a single tiny bit and it's not that I feel good either, that is completely immature. Sometimes I feel so conflicted. There's always this part of me which I don't show to the world, like a barrier I built around myself- a barrier which only true friends could overcome. It's not that I don't allow people to get close to me but every time when they try there's always this distance that I draw, a line which they couldn't cross. And I apologise for my lack of honesty, transparency, openness which led to people easily misjudging me but srsly if you'd just look a little closer I'm not that bad. It just takes a little more effort to know and understand me and this is probably sth that you, my parents, will never ever get or even try. Because you guys are always living in your self-consumed worlds...and ohh yess such high virtues that you claim to possess...I promised myself that I'll never be anything like you two.

Exit.

A present to let you know I still exist....

2009-01-21T20:22:00.002+08:00

My apologies for I haven't been blogging! I started school last week and my busy schedule has kept me away from the Internet for quite a while. The speed of how things are ever-changing and the fact that I have to be more committed to my studies this year was overwhelming at first. It's only the second week of school and I'm feeling the pressure. Maybe cs as much as I denied it last year, I've come to realise that indeed I have treated Year 1 as though it was a "honeymoon" period. But things are going well for me now and everything seems to be falling in place- whether it's about school, friendships or Yazid. It all seems so clear now....

Exit.

Nadh eats like a hungry ghost.

2009-01-13T23:52:00.007+08:00

I am very scared that I'll die of choked arteries even though I'm not obese. Let me enlighten you on my diet. Pretzels and can't rmbr what I ate for lunch, dinner at Swensen's where I had Cheese Stix and MEGA BURGER. (OHH YUMMMNESSSS) *inserts slurpish saliva noises* Dear ambitious Yazid planned to go Gelare after that (but SERIOUSLY??) my tummy couldn't take it! Just two days ago I was dining at Fish and Co and Tcc in one night. On the same day of the previous week was Popeye's and the week before that was Fish and Co (again???) Gawddddddddd, I srsly need to stop. At the rate I'm eating I'm like some hungry ghost like that. And now I have a sudden craving for fried Kway Teow cs I saw Yan Yue eating it during lunch just now and the image kinda burned in my mind. HAHAHA. Why am I so hungry all the time???? D: Damn sad today cs couldn't hang out with ADEEEEELAHHH SUPERMAN!!! rarrr. *inserts super duper pout like srsly act cute kinda pout* HAHAH. Okay yeah, this is a random post full of random things.

Exit.

Same old, same old.

2009-01-13T12:38:00.004+08:00

i made it through for LUE!
Hence, I'm a happy girl! (Okay, I know that news is soo last summer but school was uneventful to the core today). *Rolls eyes* I'm being so pms-y now don't know why. We got a new GP tutor, JULIA WEE! She's pretty and funny. :D Yayyy GP's gonna be fun. I don't like doing introductions though. Probably cs I'm always living in this bubble and...aloof. You'll have to get real close to know me. Anws! Lessons ended at 12 pm (like omggg??) today but cs of the stupid 1 pm rule we're still stuck in school. Anws I'm at com lab now with CESSS! (: Yayyy got company owheez! :D Else I'll just die of rotting. Alrights, I know am supposed to make use of the freeeee time now to studyyyy for upcoming MSA but I'm so tired right now prolly hit the books later! I realised I'm so easily distracted during lectures recently. Like after 45 minutes my attention span is KAPOOOOOF gone! Started talking to Wati cs I grew tired of staring at people's heads (and there's noone interesting to look at anw) and then suddenly we became sad. And I was like "Wth's wrong with us? We're so morbid today!" I think this school is killing my social life. Anws, I'll be tutoring later at 4pm! Not exactly sth to look forward to cs it's not like I take teaching srsly or whatever but the monehhhhhh keeps me going. :D Yeah, I sound so money-minded and supercificial right now i know, but aren't we all?
-

Exit.

Nadh doesn't want to go back to school.

2009-01-11T11:27:00.004+08:00

So I guess results of LUE will only be released on the first day of school which is tmr? (Once again, I really hate the system.) Gawd, so much for being so excited for the first day and starting out a whole new year. Don't think Nadh, don't think. Have faith. I don't want to come to school feeling this way. Ahhhs this is so sucky....

Okay I'm bored. Shall just update about yesterday. Went out with Yazid dear. :D OWHEEEZ. Wanted to catch a movie but since we met quite late hence had to forgo it. Dinner at Suntec's Fish and Co(YUM YUM) and then we suddenly felt like taking neoprints. HAHAHAH! I'll post it up here when I'm not lazy. So headed down to Cine. The prints turned out so prettttttty. Yazid looked like he wore make-up! HAHAHA. Yazid was being sucha pig and couldn't stop munching the whole day. So we went to The Central next and hung out at TCC. Love the TCC outlet there cs of the interior. Poor Yazid had a craving for mudpies sdnly I have no idea why but couldn't find the want he wanted at that outlet. HTH until late. I love such meaningful moments with Yazid. (= Hmmm...Was so worned out today so we cabbed home because we are lazy people. Came home at midnight and the house just feels empty........

Exit.

Feel it, breathe it, believe it.

2009-01-09T22:30:00.005+08:00

MOSHI MOSHI FRIENDS! (hahaha saying this reminds me of Haneyyyyyyyy! OMYGOSH RANDOM OUTBURST OF EMOTION. I'M MISSING HANEEYYY AND ALL THE PIONEER PAE GANG SUDDENLY) *sighhhh* First of all, my apologies for abandoning this blog and leaving it to rust. My goodness..the past few weeks have been hectic to the max. From the birthday celebrations, Xmas and spending the last minute of 2008 with Yazid dearest...it's almost as if I'm left breathless. Hence, couldn't really find the time or reason to go online. OH OHH! I have lotssss of things to update. And before I forget, I wish to express my overpouring joy and relief because.....

LUE IS OVER! Nyeahhahahaha!!!!!!!!
I had to sit for Chem and Econs paper, which is so not cool. )= I wish that all the knowledge would just evaporate out of my brain when I stepped out of the classroom so that I can enjoy peacefully the remnants of the holidays but then again I'm constantly reminded of the upcoming MSA...= CANNOT GET RID OF THE STUDY MOMENTUM. I woke up today and naturally studied which I feel is rather IMPRESSIVE (hahahaha) because I didn't have to reason with that other little voice in my head like I always do. Sometimes it feels like there's a tiny alien living up there in my brain always telling me to procastinate and do other things besides studying. Okay crap, I know. (And let's not talk about the what-ifs if I can't make it thru for LUE...it'll just leaveme utterly depressed.......)
-
CHALET!! Remember how I was pretty disappointed cs I couldn't spend my birthday with the one person that I truly cherish most? So Yazid booked a chalet as a gift during the Xmas season so that we could celebrate our belated birthdays together. (= Am truly happy that we got the chance to spend so much time tgt with no distractions. It was the best time I ever had with you. And that was when I received the ultimate birthday gift. Sadly, don't have a photo of it now! It was a classic music box thingy. And when I spinned the don't-know-what-the-thingy-is-called it played to one of my favourite songs ever - Love Me Tender by Elvis Presley. There was so much memories and meaning related to that song and I couldn't ask for more. *sigh.....*

Okay chop chop!! Enough about 2008. The new year has started quite differently for me this time round, in a good way that is. It's like I'm given a chance to start my life all over again, like a new person but errr not exactly. And I've never been so grateful. For once in my life I feel "clear-headed" about where I'm heading. I used to be the kind of person who never make plans. It's always been going with the flow or following the masses. I've never been so determined about starting out a whole new year and hoping to become a better person. I found direction. Being tgt with someone much older and mature has made me grown in so many ways and there was so much that I learned from Yazid. Don't know what I'll do without him. So many things that I want to change about myself like trying not to be so financially dependant on mummy and my boyfriend. I admit that I'm an extremely spoilt girlfriend. So guess what? I got a job as a tutor and I'm earning about 400 bucks per month teaching a pair of siblings from Hong Kah Primary. I think the money's goooooood and I'm happy :D

Never thought that I'd be able to say this at this point in time but am very contented with life right now. It's shitty that holidays are ending. I still wanna partayyyyyyyyyyye. ): sniff sniff.

(Okay, my blog lacks pictures I know and YAZID HUNNEEEEEE LET'S GO SHOPPING TMR! :D)

Exit. (:

With the hearts all over the world, tonight.

2008-12-28T13:12:00.013+08:00

Edited.
Long post today, sorry! Apparently I am a very freeeee girl today. (:

Heart-Shaped Forest, Cantabria.

This is one of the 9 gigantic hearts in the world that can be seen from aerial view. Check out the rest at damncoolpics.blogspot.com! I'm so blown away by the beauty of nature now. *Sigh..* Never fail to amaze me. Hmmm...God is great. Speaking of God, the conversation I had with Joel yest kinda opened up a voice in my head which made me reflect on faith, religion, God. It was so real. Spiritually, don't deny that I feel so empty. It's one of those things people don't know about me. But I shall not go deeper into that. (= Some things are just too personal. And I know that Yazid and I can never have this conversation. Faith, religion, divine intervention were always the things that we've avoided discussing. Because maybe I'm afraid tt it could get between us. It's for the sole reason that my boyfriend does not...nvm. I could never reach him in that area and he would never want to destroy my faith or whatsoever. Beliefs are personal (= And I believe that every individual is entitled to his own freewill and hence I have to respect that about Yazid too. No matter how diverse mankind's beliefs can get, I'm certain that all religion preach good things. Even if they are considered 'strange' or 'weird' according to society's norms...Secretly though, deep down in my heart there is still this tiny diminishing hope tt Yazid could open his eyes to God one day. Hmm.......

-

It's traumatising to think that I'd lose you. My apologies for letting the thought haunt me last night. Don't you dare scare me again like that. I guess there's still so much about you tt I have yet to learn. Like how unpredictable you can get sometimes. Like how I'd think you'd disappear and leave me like how someone else once did, but you didn't. It's because you're special, different and this is why I love you like no other. The grey clouds of doubt and uncertainty has cleared up now and I'm glad that we've grown tighter, stronger ever since. Cheers to loving you more every single day.

-
Update at 11.01 pm

I'm a veh veh happy girl now cs I've just changed my desktop background! (:
It's Lady Gaga fellas! My current fav female artist for now. Hahah. I wouldn't say she's gorgeous or like omg-jaw-dropping-hot kind of thing. She looks so creepy sometimes but that's what I like about her!! Like there's this air of mystery which surrounds her and it makes me ache for her music more. She's like Katie White from the Ting Tings meets Pussycat Dolls. HAHA weird but I don't know how to explain. I've never really gone crazy over any female artists before but Lady Gaga is just....so cool. You can tell from the appearance that she totally stands out from the cliche. The bangs are awesomesttttt!!

Okay, waiting for the cutest gentleman on earth to call and gossip gossip now! :D Meeting study buddy Hanis tmr OWHEEEEZ. Hope it'll give me more confidence about the LUE. ): 2009's coming and Yazid is totally in the party party mood, unlike me. Been reading some blogs today and totally feel the same way abt LUE. It's killing the festive mood man! The more I wanna enjoy, the guilt just piles up. And this is so ironic because having said that, I am still typing away on this keyboard, still glued to this seat......

Exit.

Play, stop, repeat!

2008-12-28T02:22:00.004+08:00

Just Dance (Ft. Colby ODonis & Akon) - Lady GaGa

Super super addicted to this song. (: I realised that the only words that Akon sang were 'Oh ohh' and 'Oh yeahh'.

2:35 am now, nothing to do online and I don't really want to sleep. I'm missing chalet alr!! ): Was in the need for company today and so I met Joel at Tampines and we chilled at CoffeeBean. I must be crazy or sth cs I live at Clementi. Stopped over at Yazid poo's house. And then while otw back to the train station, bumped into Rudy! (: Very very happy cs at least I have company w me during the long long journey home! Reached home at like what? 9-ish? like super early pls. Boring. Am relieved that Yazid is fine now. Srsly need to have faith in yourself and trust your first instincts, Nadh. Afterall, women are borned with the gift of intuition. Haha wtf okay bye.

Exit.

Nadh needs to have faith.

2008-12-27T23:38:00.007+08:00

1. Should have stick to the leave-the-cookies-and-note-at-your-doorstep-and-go plan, if not for the fact tt I got lost while trying to find your apartment. You wouldn't have to see me that way, and I wouldn't be as disappointed and worried as I am now.
2. Believe you when you said you're feeling better. The eyes are the windows to your soul and yours seem to lie.
3. I hate how I can "see" through people so clearly sometimes.
3. Hate it when you leave things with these two words: Take care. It reminds me how you used to disappear when we were just friends.
4. I never liked being alone when I'm sad. I secretly wish that you were like that too. Then you wouldn't have to tell me to leave you alone.
5. Am in dire need to hear anything from you, anything at all. Good or bad.
6. I wish we could face our problems together, not as individuals, not this way.
7. I wanna tell you tt nobody's happy this way. At least, I'm not.
-

I know tt this is a pointless post because nobody knows what I'm talking about but I'm way too hurt to say how the past 5 days 0f my life have been a total bliss.
-
8 days to LUE. I am fcking scared!

Exit.

Life is goooood.

2008-12-23T01:33:00.012+08:00

SCRAPBOOKING IS SO FUN!!!!! :D I'm sure Yazid huns will like it too (: And I can't wait for Xmas! 2 chalets back to back during the festive season. AWWWWWESOME. I shall pretend that school isn't starting soon so tt it won't kill my holiday mood right now if not I'll be very depressed. Hahaha! Okay, I haven't touched the books in 2 weeks and I'm nt worried??? This is very scary!!!!! but for now, I shall focus on my short-term goal first, which is enjoying Xmas!!! Hahaha.

Working on something extra special for Yazid cs he has been so super ultimate nice to me, minus the bullying and the poking and the pinching my fat fishball cheeks and myself having to scream at Yazid occasionally for many different reasons. And yes, I literally scream at my boyf many times when sth really pissed me off ttm cs I'm that agressive and this why only someone so special like Yazid can handle me (: But anws, he always does all kinds of fancy pantsy artsy fartsy things for me and I feel really bad for my lack of creativity. Since I'm not much of a writer, poet, a lousy cook who can only bake cookies and still a rookie at getting the perfect taste for my spaghetti sauce, I thought of sth which doesn't exactly require any form of skill, rule nor talent! Just a couple of design principles which can be picked up very fast. So I present you.....*drum rolls*

Scrapbooking! Just the perfect idea for someone who possess no talent like me (: I think it's quite a fresh hobby here in Singapore so the materials are rather hard to find. There are only a couple of shops islandwide providing this service, hence the materials freaking cost a bomb!!! Spent over 80 bucks for the album, papers, photos, decorations. Heart very pain ): But I really love the album! It's a black leather box with a hook at the side, so deceiving! Cs you can unhook it and it opens to a photo album. Super kooooool. This is my virgin attempt! And one does not have to worry about how to begin or not having creativity because the Internet is sucha powerful source. There's always this thing called Google or Youtube! (: Here are a few samples I found from scrapbook.com. How gorgeous!!

I hope mine will turn out as pretty as these! They look so professional......*sigh* I found out that my aunt is sucha big fan of scrapbooking so I went over to her place today to snoop around and steal some ideas. And my goodness, the amount of patterned papers, embellishments, personal collections that she has....she can practically run a business! Was totally shocked at how massive they were. Everything and anything that I needed was within my reach. Could see that she takes this hobby seriously. Hmmm....Was so amazed at how much she's into this. She just never seemed like the kind. Which all the more shows tt scrapbooking is for anyone! Not just a talentless noob like me! Hahah. I'm very eggcited to embark on mine! Good luck to me! (:

Goodbye world, will be a very busy girl this week :D Will be away for the week with Yazid deaaaar. I'm so happy that we get to spend a lot a lot a lot of time together before he goes away to Taiwan in Jan. The thought of the plans ahead makes my toes giggle. HAHA no such thing, I know. Kachiowwww!

Exit.

2008-12-21T16:23:00.005+08:00

Very much in love with the sun now,

Exit.

2008-12-21T00:51:00.004+08:00

Yazid took this.
I wish I could blog on how beautiful my day was as it was Yazid dear's 20th birthday. I had a crazy shopping trip today, bought a pair of Vans shoes which I half-like, watched the most beautiful sunset in my entire life but then something just had to crop up and all the joy that I felt today seemed to be erased away just like that. You know I srsly hate it when my parents know nuts about my life and then they suddenly go behind your back and snoop around trying to uncover your tracks. Right now it just hurts too much, it cuts too deep that any attempt at giving a recount of what happened will just leave me crying and lost for words. So I'm not kidding when I said that I don't want to be disturbed right now. I've never felt anything like this in a long time and for once, I wish that I could go unnoticed. I'm glad that amidst this whole mess, my 12-year-old brother has been really really kind to me. He's the only person that I can trust and confide in now and I can't say how much I truly appreciate that. I hope I can find the strength to get through this somehow. I think I say that too often that it sickens me. It actually drains me emotionally, until maybe there's nothing left. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to be strong all the time, when deep down I'm just truly fragile.

2008-12-18T01:51:00.002+08:00

Every night when I close my eyes I see you and I in the backseat of a cab. I lay my head on your lap because I was tired and we would stay that way throughout the journey home. No awkward silence, no need for words to speak. I would bottle this feeling up, swallow it down and do it all over again a thousand times over, for you. I love how every Saturday night ends this way and I wish for it never to change. I'd capture it on a roll of film if I could. Why am I talking like this? Because I miss you and it gets so. damn. tiring. It's been a year and hopefully many more to come. And I can't deny the latter is hazy. But beautiful moments like that, remind me that beyond all the bad times and the shit that we went through, you're worth so much more than I can ever imagine. I want to be with you, for a long time.

Over and over again, you make me fall in love. It's amazing.

2008-12-18T00:41:00.008+08:00

Disappointed to. the. max. Am getting used to swallowing up my hopes and hiding my feelings. In fact, I might even be good at this. Contemplating on whether I should continue this post. Some things are just too private. Too deep to be understood even by the closest friends. I need Yazid now. now. now. Even if I end up not talking about what's wrong, as usual.

-

Exit.

2008-12-17T03:44:00.003+08:00

I feel like crap I swear. I hate falling sick. Don't know what's gotten into my body. Last night's headache was sucha bitch. Woke up at 8.30 am this morning but felt so pukish everytime I tried to get up. So I slept in until 5pm. Still feel like crap. Must. get. better. Don't wanna disappoint Yazid this weekend. My boyfriend's turning 20 and I haven't prepared a single thing. I sooo suck at gifts can? What can you get for a guy who perhaps owns almost everything? Ohh mannnnn. Yazid has always been the one who's good at this. This just makes me feel worse. Okay I know what you're thinking. It's just a birthday gift, why so tense? Well if you knew me well, you'd know that there is more to that. OMG get well, already! Can't stand the fact that I sound like my brother, like a pubertizing 12-year-old boy.

Give, give, give because you love, love, love.

2008-12-16T01:05:00.012+08:00

Edited, more peekchas!

I look damn shit here I know, bt heck.

Happy 17th Birthday Elfa!
I'm so glad that everything turned out better than we planned it to be. Hahahh everything was so impromptu. I felt like an idiot hiding behind a bush and suddenly appearing out of nowhere spraying lots and lots and lots of cheapo perfume at the birthday girl! Well, at least I am not gross like Faliq, whom I believed hid the body spray in his butt cleavage just so that Elfa wouldn't suspect anything as he lured her to the place. Poor Elfa had no idea I was gonna be there and the look on her face was so...priceless! Hahaha. Apparently, the birthday girl seems to be the only sane person around...

Faliq, being Faliq.

Loving this candid shot...

Proper update soon when I'm not lazy. I think my body's exhausted. Biological clock is haywired. I feel like I've got sand stuck in my throat.

Exit.

You're sleeping, I'm thinking.

2008-12-14T18:34:00.006+08:00

Unedited! Don't know how the lighting like that.

Candid!
I have slit eyes. This is how I look when I try to open my eyes wide. HEHS. (I wonder if the eyelid tape thingy really gives you double eyelids. Maybe I should try!)

More random pictures from yesterday because I'm bored.

Stupid Yazid never smile.

Yazid took this I think it's quite nice (=

Too formal quite funny leh.

<33333

To the extent of unspoken words...

2008-12-14T01:02:00.021+08:00

The obligatory back view photo...

Yazid: I have the ability to make you forget things very fast.
Me: AHAHAH stupid. Yeah right. Try me. (rolls eyes and gets the feeling that it's one of those usual cannot-make-it jokes hahahh!)
Yazid: Okay. Think of the box.
Me: Errrrrr. Yahh okay fine whatever.
Yazid: Think of the box.
Me: The box?
Yazid: Yeah. Just think of the box.
Me: Hurrrr okay *thinking*
Yazid: Think of the box....
Me: ...........
Yazid: THINK OF THE BOX.
Yazid: THINK OF THE BOX.
Yazid: THINK OF THE BOX!!!!
Yazid: THE. BOX.
Me: YAHHHH SHUT UP LAHHH OHMYGOD THINKING ALR RIGHT! What box?
Yazid: See, I just told you. You forgot what box alr.
Me: LMAO.

Hahaha I know it's super lame. But this one was really really funny!

Okay, I know I wasn't supposed to be blogging but I can't help it! Hahah! Omgosh my Internet Explorer is miraculously cured from the don't know what that prevented it from not working for 2 days! I was so affected tt even when I met Yazid today I was still rambling on and on about it and he was like giving me the you're-so-worked-up-just-because-your-internet-explorer-is-screwed face?? It simply showed how truly dependent I am on this amazing 4-sided browser thingy which connects me to the world-wide web! (= My mood for today is extremely goooood. I had an amazing amazing amazing amazing time with Yazid dearest, although there was quite a lot of drama! HAHA. Like how we thought that he lost his credit card and then we were panicking like ke-raaayy-zeeee. We were at Marina Square, about to catch The Day The Earth Stood Still in 10 minutes and then Yazid suddenly went like, "I can't find my card!!! I freaking can't go home without it!!!" So we rushed back to Singapore Flyer (Oh yes, we did went onboard Sg Flyer and that's a whole different story altogether) AND THEN apparently after swiping at the counter I presumed that we were too happy and all jitterish that we actually FORGOT to take it back . OH GOD the staff were literally laughing at our foolishness. HAHA. Practically brisk-walked to Marina Sq GV and we were just in time for the movie. MY GOODNESS. Why is it that for the past 3 weeks of going out, I haven't been spared from feeling all sticky, sweaty and all the evilness that the weather has cast upon me. It has been a blow to my vanity. HAHAHH I'm acting all bimbo like that. Well as Yazid said, I can be as feminine as I want to be (= So anws here's a few peekchas from today. Will probably upload more when I have the time! Hahahh. Can't believe we actually took 123 peekchas. Yeap 123! Magical number (=

Yazid don't know how to smile:

He's sooo totally gonna kill me when he sees this cs I didn't photoshop his scar which he is deeply upset about (a present from running through the forest during training, poor thing!). Sorry dear, I am super lazy and as you know, I don't care! HAHAHA.

Onboard the Singapore Flyer! (Hahah yes Fyda, Yazid made me go. You can laugh at me now. I'm a walking contradiction, I know. *Refers to THAT conversation on this* HAHAH. )

This is how Singpore's skyline will look like in the years to come. The added buildings on the left are actually miniatures! I think the whole thing looks quite real. Cool! (= That cauliflower thingy looks weird. (See if you can spot it!)

Post-Movie!

Gorgeous......

-
(Yazid's 98746531212...th attempt to smile. Hahah! But not really working lehhh.)
But it's okay, I still love you the same anw! (=

With more love than I could ever found, <3

Goshhhh we look so old. :/

Exit.

2008-12-11T22:52:00.007+08:00

(I was on a random bridge in Beijing...)
This photo was taken quite some time ago during a school trip. Photo credits to Rachel Ong. (= They say a picture speaks a thousand words. This one best speaks for...what I'm feeling now, I guess? Hahahh! Whatever that means. (=

Will be away for a while cs it's time to get serious and divert all my attention to studying (ha ha yahh i hope) , and other commitments of course. (= I cannot cannot cannot cannot wait for this Saturday! Okay I just contradicted my first sentence. -___-"

Exit.

2008-12-09T23:58:00.000+08:00

This is an edited post because nobody told me that there's 5 colours not 4. Hahah!
I am so proud of my artwork it's very pretty. HAHAH my rainbow has 4 5 colours. So there you go!

I hope Su feels better.

Time, life, love, time to fly.

2008-12-08T21:41:00.018+08:00

Edited.

I'm bored to death my goodness. It's 4 am alr I desperately want to sleep. Weather's awwwwwsome. I feel so bitter suddenly. Maybe it's the cold. Melodramatic, much?

-
So Happy Hari Raya Haj to all Muslims. Just got back from the gatherings with both mum's and dad's relatives. Today was sucha bore. Okay no, don't get me wrong. It's not that I'm anti-social. I love my beeeg family over at mum's side, so I didn't feel too bad during the first gathering. Everyone's so happy and hilarious. And my aunts and uncles are very young at heart so that's cool. (= I love every one of them a lot a lot a lot a lot. But the second gathering was a waste of my time. Fell asleep on the wooden chair in front of the teevee and woke up with a strained neck, just in time to go home. I feel so shitty when I'm bored. So I decided to sift through some peekchas from 2007 (= Walk down the memory lane with me, shall we?

Racial Harmony Day 2007

I came to school looking like that because I was too paiseh to wear the cheongsam that couldn't even fit me well because my butt was too big. That is me at 37kg. Up till today, I'm still in disbelief that I was actually that light. It was the period that I kept falling sick and my menses wouldn't come for a year cs the doctor said I was too skinny. But I think I look fine leh hahahh.

Farewell Assembly 2007; saying goodbye to Crescent!

I remembered I cried like shit on this day, well not entirely on the fact that we were officially dismissed from school and have to mug like shit for the O's but for an entirely different reason which I have a vague memory of. Still, I don't know why I cried so hard. Hahahh! Man, we were so funny. I was so emotional that way.

Lady-in-me/ Career Day 2007

Alrights, that's all! Because I have a random outburst of laziness right now, if there is such a thing? I feel so old, suddenly. Looking back at those photos, I felt like I've grown so much in just this one year. I'm being so reflective of my life now cs maybe it has finally internalised in my rusty brain that next year is gonna begin very very soon. 2008 is ending and I can't help questioning myself where do I want to see myself next year? What are my goals and how can I be a better person? I don't have a clue right now. They say you've always got to begin with the end in mind. Sad to say that I've been so directionless. Life has always been just going through the motion, for me. But that aside, I'm looking forward to 2009 despite the challenges that I foresee coming. It's gonna be one hell of a roller coaster ride, baby. And it's about time I take control. (=

For no particular reason, I found myself thinking a lot about her today. Maybe because I still don't know what I did to make her mad at me. I wonder if anyone could be angry at someone for so long. I don't know. As for me, I guess I've gone past feeling guilty for a reason I have no clue whatsoever to and simply, move forward. Or maybe part of me still wishes to know. Hmmm...

Exit.

For you, a thousand times over.

2008-12-08T03:17:00.002+08:00

Embers we're burning bridges down,
Oh envelopes written with feelings found.

(=

2008-12-08T00:45:00.017+08:00

Peekchas! from 6th December
You'd be amazed how one hour plus plus plus of queueing on muddy ground, the EXTREME heat (okay maybe this is subjective cs I am so vain like that) and wobbly legs can do weird things to people.....

Us and our double scoops! PAOWER.

This is my favourite for the day. It would've been perfect tho if only Aishah was in it as well!!

Dinner at Pizza Hut with the girls!

Aishah and I! (=

This is what I ate:

P.S: I'm a very happy teenager right now cs I finally met up with Yazid today!

Exit.

Happy Birthday to Me!

2008-12-07T16:43:00.005+08:00

The past few days I saw myself doing things for others that I never imagined that I would. I was THE hairstylist for Hanis for a day when she came over to my house to dye her hair! HAHAH things turned out pretty crazy in the toilet. "HANIS! I can't stand. I got backache from washing your hair!!!" The babysitter who "babysits" her grandma for she's afraid to be alone at night. And I was also the compassionate (hehehehe) tutor helping a friend with her studies online. Pretty surprised that I know more about the subject than I think I do. It feels good doing difft things once in a while.

6th December.
Today was like an open door to a new experience. I can't describe it somehow. There're so many things that I realised today which I never did before. Like how I'm the type of person who'd soaked well into a relatively new environment or crowd for a while and then I'd sit back and observe, not that I intend to actually. It's all subconscious. I'm just good at noticing the minute of things and comprehend how the "society around me engineers itself" I guess. It's interesting actually, and then I'd sheepishly smile to myself I have no idea why either. Perhaps it makes you feel as though you know something that others don't. Ha ha ha ha. -___-"

Now now that aside, I wish every day's a 6th December cs there's just so much love going around! =D I don't usually say this but I'm feeling extremely contented with life right now. From the 1 hour plus plus plus plus wait for Ben&Jerry's @ Chunk Fest which cost me smudged eyeliner, sweaty face, feet! limp hair which almost sticks to my forehead (YESSS, It's true. I'm so vain, like that) to the late night shopping trip at Wisma. I enjoyed every minute of today, I really do. (maybe minus the walking across MUDDDDD at fort canning park hahah!) You might think I'm being a little dramatic, I know. Don't get me started on how the past few 6th Decembers have been like a curse to me. Today, I felt like I had the the perfect blend of sugar, spice and everything nice altogether and then KABOOM! Finally, just the right concoction to self-gratification. (= And and I just have to say this, one of the reasons why Fadh Fadh Fadh is awesome is because he shops like a woman. (= Hahahh, but nononono Yazid is still my awesome-st! Speaking of which, I've yet to meet up with and I'm still missing him a lot a lot. Sigh. I'm tired of waiting. Come home, alr.

So once again!
Happy Birthday to ME ME ME.
(Do I sound stupid saying this to myself? -__-")
And ohh ohh I shall upload the peekchas as soon as I get them from Fyda darling! (=

Exit.

Feeling free, feeling free is the new disease.

2008-12-05T02:06:00.009+08:00

I'm proud to say that this could be one of my happier posts. It's good to be feeling better and sorting out my emotions for I do not triumph at being a miserable writer. Stole this photo from Joane's blog because chatting with her last night just made me realise how much I miss her and seeing people in school too. (and I think she looks best candid, no?) I actually miss school ohmygod, no kidding. The holidays are ruining my biological clock. I sleep in the wee hours of the morning, or don't sleep at all and ended up waking up even later. My breakfast might as well be early dinner I swear. I'm turning into a mighty supreme pig, a queen of the potato couches and I'm utterly disgusted by myself. Money is depleting. HOW??????? I miss having order in my life now. And Yan Yue better hurry hurry come back from UK trip! I've been dying to go to Sentosa, alr!

I kinda completed my chem TYS for the topics that are gonna be tested for LUA. I don't know what else to do now so eventually I came online looking for resources from people. Still, I feel so unprepared and anxious to sit for the test. Or maybe it's just the holidays. It makes you feel so lost with regards to your studies.

I cannot cannot cannot cannot wait for this weekend. This December will be sucha bliss, I swear. And oh oh ohh, childhood friend, Khairu is back from the hospital alr! Okay he was back since 25 Nov actually. I suck, I know. He has a left tube inserted beneath his skin which connects to the lungs and I think he's very very very very brave after what he went through. Told mum that we were gonna head out this weekend and she was really worried for Khairu. But he convinced us tt he was well enough to be going out so okay, I can't wait!

Now now, why is this weekend so special? 10 points for you if you guessed it right! Hahahs anws I'll be turning 17 on this coming Saturday. A year older, a year wiser, I hope. Hahah! But despite the plans tt I have for 6th December, it still depresses me that I won't be spending it with Yazid due to his commitments to the country. So we've scheduled to celebrate it on the later part of this month and he was sweet enough to book a chalet for me for that day. (= Sometimes I wonder if all the luxuries that I'm pampered with is simply my boyf's way of making it up to me for all the times that he was..well a disappointment in some ways. Like he even got me a birthday dress ready though he'll probably never get to see me wearing it on my birthday, which is so ironic, and..sad? On the brightside, I'll be spending the day with Aishah, Yas and Fyda as well. (= CHUNK FEST(!!!!) and great company. Tell me what could be better. (=

Ohh ohh ohh shitzzzz I better clean my room and vacuum until it's all sparkly sparkly, Hanis's coming over tmr wheeeeeee.

2008-12-01T04:48:00.006+08:00

It's almost 5 am in the morning and I'm wide awake. I'm here because my existence online has a lack of purpose at such an hour. Probably, I'm turning into an insomniatic meat though I don't know really know why. Pray hard that my parents won't wake up so early! Cs I'm soooo gonna be dead if they find out that I'm still not in bed. So I watched a few episodes of this anime I used to watch a few years ago. The series revolved around the lifestories of 6 different women. Stumbled upon it while randomly looking at the menu of shows on some website. Funny how I don't feel the same compared to back then. I remembered how every episode used to make me cry cs there was simply so much symbolism behind every seemingly simple story portrayed. It was one of those shows that made you go "OHMYGODDD WHY IS IT SO SAD". And then now, I couldn't even shed a tear. And no, it's not that the series has lost it's essence btw. I heard the screamings of my neighbour from downstairs not long ago. Has been going on for quite a while actually but am relieved now that the noise has finally subsided. Same old drunkard beating his wife, again. The couple has been fighting ever since I was in primary school and it just strikes me suddenly, how could anyone take so much pain? I'm 17 now and those screams of agony hasn't changed one single bit I tell you. Well my neighbour isn't the most likable person around, but I can't help feeling sorry for her cs eventually the beatings and constant fights affected her mental health. With so many organisations set up to protect women's rights these days, I wonder why hadn't she seeked any help. What was it that was holding her back and who was she protecting? I mean who in the right mind would want to live that way? Such incidents serve to remind me how truly grateful I am to come home to a place where I can feel safe and comfortable. Worrying about whether I'll make it through the night alive will never ever cross my mind. I wish there was something that I could do to help her but then again who am I to get involved? In such situations, all I could do is be the ignorant bystander.

I heart Britney!

2008-11-30T15:24:00.008+08:00

OHMYGOD, I'm so loving Britney Spears right now. Hahah was never a fan of her music but I'm just so addicted to her latest album, Circus, after listening to the preview. I think my favourite track's gotta be 'Unusual You'. Go Britney! <3

CLICK!

The calm before the storm.

2008-11-30T00:55:00.009+08:00

Okay, second post of the night I know but apparently my brain is actively sending messages to the neurones in my fingers like crrrazy and hence I couldn't stop myself from further expressing my thoughts for today. Okay gosh that was lame, shut up Nadh. I was reading my friend's blog, Nadia, and I just wanted to say that there was so much that I could relate to in one of her posts. As you would very well know by now that my boyf's currently doing his part as a male citizen of this country (NS lahhh), most of the time I was usually the one left behind feeling frustrated at the fact that whenever I needed him most, he was hardly there at all. It was tough and I handled it like a rookie. And I know that he would be there if he could but then again...circumstances. Okay that story is soo last summer because eventually I got used to just living with that fact. I guess it's all about adapting. But when January 2009 comes around, my boyf will be leaving for Taiwan for about a month or so. (No handphones allowed btw.) The conscious part of my mind somehow just refuses to absorb the fact that he isn't going to be there. And I'm gonna start feeling like how I felt when I left for Beijing all over again, and like how Nadia felt in her post. Maybe I'll probably feel worse this time round. Maybe I'll just be so miserable because there's just too many things that would remind me of Yazid. And how can I then get up and go past the day pretending that my life is normal when it very well isn't. Goshhhhh doesn't it sound miserable to feel miserable every single day because you miss someone too much. It's like a part of you is missing and you want it back so bad. As cliche as it sounds, can't deny that distance does make the heart grow fonder. Yesssss, cheesy/corny I know. I really don't wanna go through that all over again, but I guess one way or another I just have to find a way to be strong. I hate how time is flying past so soon. I've got four weeks left baby, four weeks. My heart anticipates for the worse of things to unfold, because maybe if your mind prepares yourself before you're gonna let's say fall from a bike or fail a test it wouldn't hurt so bad, would it? (Ahhs well I'm being naive, tell me about it.) But I'm sorry cs it just isn't made of steel. On a lighter note, I'm looking forward to December cs Yazid and I have gotten it all planned out and (Yazid's) bulk holidays = more quality time tgt! Now that's sth to keep smiling for (=

Sugar rushhhhh!

2008-11-30T00:16:00.008+08:00

My legs are aching so bad but the adrenaline rush is keeping me alive and kicking. I practically spent the whole day with Yazid today. (= Reached home at 12 am and everybody's knocked out except for Brother. Didn't even get to see my parents today. (hahs! what's new?) I think my parents know nuts about my life. Okay well, they do try to get involved in school matters and other nitty gritty things once in a while but..that's just the tip of the iceberg. Needless to say they're not really doing a good job at parent intervention anw. I don't come from a family who can discuss about just anything under the sun. Yeah, I admit that sometimes I do envy how some of my friends can gossip about boys and share about girls acting like they're Barbies to their mothers. That sounds like fun to me! But nahhh I don't think that can ever happen in my family, really. And no, it's not that I'm hoping for things to change. I sound like I'm willing to give up anything in the world for that but nooo. Cs truth is, I'm actually quite comfortable with the way things are as it is. But one thing for sure I'm definitely not contented. It's like we're all individuals living in our own private space, isolated by this wall between us. It's like each one of us live in a bubble where we're all just so caught up with living our own lives to the point that we don't wish to do anything that could disrupt or risk losing this comfort zone which we've long defined for ourselves. And you know thinking about it, I wonder what still holds us together. I'll just gag if anyone were to say love. Haha! What is love then when all you get are superficial conversations that you very well know don't mean a thing. Oh wells....

Hot chocolate double chocolate with marshmellows...

2008-11-25T23:07:00.013+08:00

from Coffee Bean is DA BOMB. It's the latest addition to the list of things I cannot live without apart from the usual Java Chip from Starbucks. Hehehe.

I went to watch Madagascar 2 again today! This time round with Brother cs I kinda pity the fact that he doesn't get much freedom (unlike me HEHEHE) so I decided to take him out today. I'M VERY NICE RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT. =D *bats eyelashes* hehehehe. Was otw back home alr and then Yazid texted me saying that the army is letting them free tonight until 9pm so we hanged out at Jurong Point's Coffee Bean. That's when we discovered the Hot Chocolate Double Chocolate With Marshmellows! It was so mouthful and then Yazid, the barista who was taking the order and myself had a little bit of fun saying it! I was like saying to the both of them, LET'S SEE HOW FAST YOU TWO CAN GO! and then I told the barista that maybe they should consider shortening it. Hahaha he's very nice (:

My boyfriend is sucha vainpot I swear. He's more vain than me. He bought a whole bag of creams from Guardian before we met. SOS Blemish Clear Pen from Garnier (works like a wonder for me!! =D), hair gel from Loreal Studio Out Of Bed look and some moisturizer thingy. OUT OF BED look? I was like, you don't even have enough hair to begin with and why do you even need it, your hair alr looks out of bed!

Yazid took this and claims that it's damn artistic! HAHA.

I've been trying to grab a picture of my boyfriend since forever and I guess this is just another unsuccessful attempt. Yazid!!! YOU MUST LEARN HOW TO SMILE LIKE ME!!! =(

This is how I look without make-up. I edited the brightness so minus that and you get the real thing. (=

-

Breathe in the smoky air and wipe the sweat off your face. Stop, stay still, and watch as the world go by. The silence awakens your senses. Close your eyes and listen to the sound of cars whooshing by on a Saturday midnight. It never seemed to end. And just maybe, if you listen close enough, it's rhythm is like the lapping waves of the ocean. Except for the crowded bus stops where pple are rushing to get home, the streets are almost empty-a rare scene. The city, is an urban jungle.

If only one could put time to a standstill, and escape from this chaos. I would, if I could.

Ohh, just to side-track a bit.

Meet my awesomest cousin, FADH! And Fadh if you're reading this, I miss you so! =( Sorry I don't have a more recent photo of you so let's just stick to this one!

Also, it's good to be hearing from Danial and Harith once again! (= I feel so complete today.

2008-11-25T21:39:00.012+08:00

Emomomo! HAHA.

You can never get enough of watching sunsets. NEVER.

2008-11-23T14:16:00.004+08:00

1. After today, I realised I don't smile/pose for the camera cos I don't know how.
2. Candid shots make up for my lack of skill in the art of being photogenic. Hahs!
3. Am on cloud nine. =D =D =D
4. Too lazy to blog, will let the pictures do the talking, for now. Maybe I'll upload more when I'm not lazy?
5. I miss Yazid, already.

Saturday.

I'd wander to the other side of the equator if I could, just to see if the sky would still be the same.

Vanilla Latte and HTHS is the life.

2008-11-21T20:40:00.000+08:00

Thursday.
Met up with Fyda darling! (WHEEE ike finally! =D) Went to catch Beverly Hills Chihuahua at Cineleisure. The movie was not bad I guess. I don't quite particularly like shows with talking animals in them (cs I've always thought it's rather weird). It's quite forgettable actually but it makes you feel good. (= (Doesn't beat Madagascar 2 though!)

Chloe is soooo adorable!

Head over to PS for dinner at Manhattan Fish Market! Just had Fish and Co quite recently, but I don't mind eating seafood again. =) What can I say, I love fish! Felt super bloated after that. Didn't even finish our food cs it was simply too much and the side-order somemore ohmygosh A LOT OF FOOD. Hahahh but YUMMY.

Ahh yeapss this photo was super random. Fyda was like fiddling w the camera and took such an unglam photo! And yes, I got fatter. *points to the jingling fats on my face* I gained 3 kg since the last few weeks of school and NOPE I'm not gonna start eating less! ("Beauty is only skin deep" *inserts Dutt's uber solemn voice* haha the bells of PW are ringing in my head.) But seriously, we're living in a world that has long needed a change. I'm sick of the world which glamorizes thinness as a beauty ideal. And what's with everybody claiming that they're fat and ditching food these days. Tsk tsk tsk.

Hanged out at One Fullerton's Starbucks after dinner. The sense of familiarity with the place and the memories that anchored along..I like =)

Okay, so that was Thursday for you. And Fyda was sucha wonderful company, as always (=

I love you to nanobits! (L) Thanks to the holidays, am looking forward to more meet-ups, hopefully!

2008-11-19T19:44:00.000+08:00

Hahahh this photo's so last summer I know, which just shows how long we haven't been hanging out tgt. Put up your picture here because I can't wait for tmr and I miss you too much already! (:

In the morning and amazing.

2008-11-19T15:30:00.000+08:00

2009 Level-Up Assesment and this keeps me going:

08S28 (or perhaps what's left of it here!)

For what it was worth, I hoped it was worth it all along but then again it's true that I'll never really know. Sometimes, I hate myself for waking up one day and just feel like dropping everything for the selfish reasons. Commitments,commitments, commitments.
I remembered when nobody cared but you. And I'd dare say that there's probably noone else in the world that can ever tolerate me the way Yazid does. I'm wanting this for sure, but sometimes I'm just too..complex. It's funny how nobody would ever mean it when they hurt someone but we all end up hurting the only ones we truly love. Drawing a space between you and I because maybe I'm choking. I hate how the subconscious part of my mind keeps telling me that you've made me fall into a rut. Right now, I just feel so suppressed that I want to push everything away. Everything. Does this make me a bad person, then? Gosh I'm thinking so much maybe the caffeine and restless nights are really kicking in. I don't know.

Here we are.

2008-11-17T00:03:00.001+08:00

Today was probably the worst day of my life. I cried so much that I'm actually getting a headache right now. So here I am, online, reading everyday life stories of random people whom I hardly give a damn about. And yet, I bother to enlighten myself on their blog updates because they're simply so..light-hearted and bouncy and bubbly and warm and fuzzy.. It's like everytime I read them, I think of white and pink feathers gracefully falling down in a room filled with white fluffy pillows and bedsheets. It makes me forget the complexities of mine for a minute. And it's okay to cheat myself and feel that way sometimes because I want to pretend that everything is okay. It reminds me of the happier things in life, the very minute details in life that could bring us so much joy - what life is worth living for. Fuck, I sound so cliche.
So my boyfriend is trying to make me feel better (thank you (:) and part of his text was:
"Dark clouds don't stay forever. Fate is not as cruel as to do that."
I wish I could believe that, my dear. I really wish I could. Cs so far, it really has been cruel to me. It's like everytime I want to believe that my problems are over, fate just slaps you hard in the face like a harsh reminder that NOOOOOO NADH sth sth sth isn't over. It never was and you've never gotten over it either. You only surpressed the pain, hate, anger within you. You bottle it up until the wound becomes a delicate scab and then you let time tricked you to believe that it could heal everything. You believed that it was all just a phase that you've moved on from, but when you take a little step closer and search within yourself, the truth is nothing has changed. In the end, you're still the stranger in your own home, Nadh. Your own home. Again, I feel like my dad has just taken the knife, stabbed me hard and then rubbed salt into the wound. And I, am completely defenseless.

14.11.2008

2008-11-16T14:32:00.001+08:00

14.11.2008, an emotional roller coaster for all the family members present at Alexandra Hospital. Because on that very day, my grandma, at the age of 71, became a breast cancer survivor.

The expected duration for the operation was 2 hours. But 7 hours passed and there was still no news on Grandma's condition. If there was one person that buried his emotions well, I'd say that would be Grandpa. While the rest of us sat together and waited like forever, Grandpa was always nowhere to be seen. Out of sight. Noone had any idea what came over him. He was always isolating himself from the crowd. And even when he finally joined us, his mind wasn't there. He kept staring into space, deep in thoughts. This may sound quite irrelevant I know but there was that moment when I realised he was really getting old. I suddenly began to notice the wrinkles on his face, the folds between his cheeks. Because to me, the elders have always looked the same. I don't know if anybody else realises this, but they never seemed to age. So anws, after 7 hours of waiting and..waiting......we finally got to see Grandma. It was a teary moment for most of us, and I stand accused. One of my aunts and my 11-year-old cousin was crying so badly, for different reasons. As I stepped into the ward, I was smiling from ear to ear because I was glad that the ordeal was over. But the smile quickly evaporated when I saw the tears in their eyes. It felt awkward to smile suddenly. I felt like crying out loud that this, was a moment of celebration, that we shouldn't shed tears of sadness but tears of joy instead. But then again, oh wells I kept my thoughts to myself, blaring like a siren in my head.

The best part about today must've been how I watched Grandpa held Grandma's hand in his, gazed into her eyes and ran his fingers on her forehead. There was no need for any dialogue (well not that I could hear any from where I was), only a few gestures and probably unspoken words. Then Grandma kept nodding her head in silence. It didn't take rocket science to decipher what he said. "Everything is going to be alright now". And they certainly will. (=

Exit.

Rain rain, go away.

2008-11-12T16:13:00.000+08:00

Perhaps I should reflect on the lives of the underprivileged, like children in Cambodia or poverty in Bangladesh. Maybe only then I'll be contented with mine. I had this random thought last night I have no idea why. What if (God knows how) it was possible for us to choose to be someone else for a day? Like lead a totally different life. You could be an actress, model, heiress, rock star, or whatever. Would this window that lets you escape from your reality make you a happier person? I don't know. Or maybe only then would we be able to open up our eyes to the special things that we have in our lives. Because I know that when I think about children in Cambodia without fresh water, about the floods in Bangladesh, I'm supposed to feel satisfied with my life, I'm supoosed to feel blessed that fate hadn't put me under such conditions. But somehow, I still can't help feeling like there is always something amiss. Okay, the reason why I'm here is because I'm bored. And I'm sick of playing Guitar Hero. (Guitar Hero Rocks the 80s is totally DA BOMB).

I can barely breathe.

2008-11-11T23:10:00.001+08:00

Aurora Borealis- the finest spectacle in the sky.

I am in my room right now. Relieved at the fact that I finally found time for myself today. Except for the sound of the keyboard which challenges the silence of the room, it's really quiet in here. It's one of those rare moments that I truly appreciate. (=

Chemistry is sucha fucker. It seems that my relationship with Chemistry lately has been on and off. I hate screwing up because deep down I know I'm capable of doing better. I've been sucha disappointment to my loved ones. I miss how things used to be simpler. I remembered back then in secondary school, I even enjoyed studying Chem. It was one of my favourite subjects cs I actually had interest in it. I keep asking myself how I ended up being here, in this tangled mess. It's like God is playing games with me. It's like everybody's moving forward and I feel so lost, alone and left behind. The thought of being JC2s next year is freaking me out. And the retests....

I am not ready to grow up.

I secretly want to be the kid who plays with paper planes and cardboard boxes,
who smiles at the world with curious, innocent eyes.
The little girl who thinks that she has everything.

So what's another day?

I'd like to watch the world go by.

2008-11-11T00:26:00.000+08:00

As much as I'm trying to be positive, sometimes I couldn't help questioning myself where will all of this end? Perhaps the past has changed me in too many ways that I've even become too careful in shaping my own destiny.

I am..afraid. My mind lingers on the things that could carry us away and I'm sorry because for a while I failed to see the bigger picture. And when I finally did, I realised this is all...just a beginning. And you'll probably never know this but I can't help feeling that somewhere along the way, somehow, someone will get hurt. I've always thought that it was gonna be you, because I admit that I am capable of hurting, I am capable of questioning my faith in this because I've never loved anyone so much that it actually scares me. It makes me flip out. And it's hard to believe that I'm saying this because I never saw it coming. But recently, many things have got me thinking. Simple things that has made me understand you better. It's like unlocking that jigsaw piece and feeling contented at the end of it. It's an awkward feeling somehow.

Perhaps unlike you, I've been selfish. I've been so afraid of another heartache, so afraid to put my whole heart and soul in this, afraid to trust that you'll never break me. Because if something screws up I would be the one left behind, hoping for more. Because I gave my heart away a long time ago and I never got it back. Other times I wonder what happened to me? I wonder about how much I've grown into someone else that I'm still trying to comprehend.

Amidst the whirlwind of conflicts in my head, you stayed right where you are for as long as you could. You, are the reason to smile every single day. The strength that makes me go past shitty days. So thank you, for being you.

We've been down this road for almost a year now and perhaps, more years to come. =)
And the only thing that I need right now would be you sitting beside me under the blanket of stars and the ocean breeze. Or you could take me to the place that we usually go, and you'd point out to me the Orion's Belt and I would probably pretend that I was the least bit convinced, but it doesn't matter cs I love you, in so many ways that I can't even articulate.

So very special, you.

2008-11-10T15:47:00.000+08:00

When the storm won't end
On your raging sea
When you've all but given up
Float back to me
When the waves come down
And your arms get weak
When you're tired of bailing out
Float back to me

Alrights, I'm finally blogging today after so many days of trying to sort my heart out. The past week has been crazy (what more with PW) and I'm glad that things are slowing down pretty much this week cs the holidays are here baby! Hahah. I'm currently really hooked to the song Creep by Radiohead. Woohoo!

I have a thing for melodramatic riffs and acoustics lately I have no idea why. Maybe because I like songs which play with my heart strings. Songs about the hero who falls apart for the one and only woman he loves. It makes me appreciate the things that I have because sometimes (as cliche as it sounds) you don't know what you have until they're gone. (= And Radiohead, is simply awesome.

I suddenly miss the times when I would simply squeal/hyperventilate/anywayyouputit in delight every time I listen to Billie Joe Armstrong's voice on the radio (and yes I am just as crazy over him as I've always been since 4 years ago!) Ahhh those days when we acted like boy-crazy giggly schoolgirls. If I were to do that in school now, people would just think I'm weird. I miss being around people of the "same wavelengths". Sad to say but truth is, I miss Crescent. )=

Sometimes I am sick of how people are increasingly judged by their music preference. It's like, if you have a whole string of underground bands written in your Myspace or whatever social networking site you use, that makes you fucking hardcore. And I am sick of how great bands like Green Day, and many other forefathers of rock music are suddenly seen as losers because they so-called "sell-out". I don't see anything wrong with listening to mainstream music. It's like people are starting to forget the symbolism behind the songs. I am sick of people going like "Oh I hate Blink 182, they're so old!" This, I feel is pathetic. Okay I don't mean to sound like I'm all out against the world or whatever hahah (and shit, I have a feeling it came out that way -___-") but seriously, who's to say what's rock or alternative or punk rock or hardcore or not? I, for one, don't give a damn. I like what I listen because it's good, not because it makes me look cooler or whatever. And this applies to all other genres too. Okay, I should stop blabbering on this.

Note to self: Change blog skin! This skin looks horribly depressing to me!! )=

WHOA OH! (edited)

2008-10-28T17:35:00.000+08:00

In the end, we're all by ourselves. Fighting our own battles each and every day.

Two hours ago I was staring at this page, feeling bone-tired and searching for words to express my thoughts until I gave up and settled for..a superficial and quick update for today. It's 2.13 am and I'm wide awake. I have to wake up for school in abt 3 hours time and I don't know how am I gonna survive tmr bt am gonna go. past. it. I am bone-tired, yes bone-tired yet I'm feeling so restless. Sometimes I despise myself for being sucha perfectionist because even the minute of things which are left "undone" could bother me a lot. My English is suddenly so weird here. Heh.

To-do list:
1) I want/need a job. I'm getting broke.
2) Send the MacBook to Apple Clinic.
3) Decide what to do with the Fujitsu Tablet PC (Idk if this 4-year piece of junk is worth replacing the RAM)
4) Study for Level-Up Assesment.
5) Get Chem tuition.
6) Clean my room.
7) PW.

I'm contemplating whether I should still sleep cs if I do I definitely won't be able to wake up on time and it sucks to be late and not begin the week w a fresh start.
-

I will never let you see my eyebags. (Eyebags that you could go shopping with.)

My boyfriend's..a retard. Hahah.

The person who has made life more meaningful to me, who sees beyond my flaws and the reason to smile every. single. day.

I think the flash makes me look like a geisha.

I have nothing in particular to blog about today. Just felt like uploading today's pictures cs I'm in a good moood. So there you go! (=

I was supposed to go out for Hari Raya visits today but then it was cancelled so I met Yazid instead. Hahah thanks to Deepavali, it is a public holiday today and hence my boyfriend is out from camp! Watched Nights In Rodanthe and it's...a boring show. Even after the movie ended I felt like it hasn't even started yet. It didn't leave an impact on me and I must say I felt cheated by the cast. Maybe because I've watched other movies w a similar storyline? So everything was rather..predictable. I'm no expert at movies but I felt that the climax of the story was somehow under-developed? Oh wells. Disappointing.

Live live live,
live because you love love love.
and love will make you give, give, give

Exit.

Close your eyes, to see.

2008-10-25T16:58:00.000+08:00

There's a love that transcends
All that we've known of ourselves
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
Well it's got to be strong to touch my heart
Through its shell
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come

If my heart was a jukebox, the song that's playing right now would be Coffee by Copeland. Go YouTube it or sth cs it's beautiful. (: Anws, I just got back from meeting Yazid, my boyfriend. A good closure to the week for the both of us, although I know that technically it's not the end of the week yet. Hahah. We met for dinner today and did a lot of catching up. I think it was the most wonderful thing that's happened this week.

I never knew that printing the Written Report for ProjectWork could be such a huge responsibility until recently. Never underestimate this. Never. And I mean it. I went through hell just to get it printed. And I almost. got. cheated. There was a shop which wanted to charge me 1 BUCK PER PAGE and the report's like SEVENTY-TWO PAGES. So which means that the WR would cost us a total of 72 DOLLARS which I feel is ridiculously expensive. Okay, I wasn't paid to advertise but if the next time anyone needs printing/photocopying services, go to HO SERVICES PTE LTD at Paradiz Centre. The service is good!! Plus, you get to BARGAIN. There's a special price for students as well. So guess how much I paid for the WR in the end? Only 23 DOLLARS. (Partly due to my good bargaining skills as well. *BEAMS*)

And did I tell you I had to go to almost every shop at the 1st level of Paradiz Centre to look for a cheaper alternative? And that was only after the lady at the first shop made me fix the alignment twice. TWICE. The service there was extremely bad. Like she was just ignoring me for 30 minutes and busy Photoshop-ing for her other client. I literally screamed at her to get it printed. And then came the argument about the price. Oh my god and things just didn't get any better. Now that it's done, I'm just glad that there won't be a next time. Ohh ohh, and I think I have the most wonderful group members for PW. This is random I know. But I really do. (:

Perhaps tonight, I'll be able to get a good sleep.

A new blog, a new beginning.

2008-10-24T13:24:00.000+08:00

"If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer's always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place."

These words mean so much to me. Like it really strikes your heart and makes you wonder about all those times that you wanted to do something, anything at all and you held back. Somewhere in the near future, you looked back still not being able to comprehend why you hadn't take the step. I know I will never grow up to be that kind of person. I've always believed that if you want something, go get it. Keep pressing on.

And I'm still trying to even when it's hard. My thoughts still linger over my results for Promos. Maybe I'm half glad that it is indeed an improvement. But it's just...not good enough. I don't know if what I believe still holds true now.

The past nights..have been rough. I haven't been sleeping well lately and I don't know why either. I don't know what's cluttering my mind and I simply can't find the answer. It's like your mind just wander off to an idle state...not being certain of anything anymore. Or maybe not feeling in control of your thoughts, or maybe even yourself. I don't know.

It's weird to be talking again to someone who perhaps knows you inside out just to realise that maybe you don't even know him at all. Recently I've been in touch with a friend whom I haven't spoken to in a while and it amazes me how so many things, sooo many things have changed and it hasn't even been a year yet. Maybe life is moving faster than a train ride. And I can hear the band, Jet, singing at the back of my mind.."Everybody's changing, but(or is it and?) I don't feel the same.." Hahahh.

For some reasons or another I just felt like creating a new blog. A fresh start, a new beginning. (=
(I'll prolly work on the skin when I'm not lazy. Haha!)

It's enlightening to think of the breeze,
to believe in things that we don't see,
to watch the sunset and think of me.
(=